****NEW VALUABLE SERVICE FROM WENDY DAY****
I stole this idea from Kid Dynamite over in the investment world. Just like him, I’ve devoted a huge part of my career to helping people in my industry. They don’t listen.
I have spent the better part of my career educating artists and industry folks, and pointing out the scams that exist in the music industry. Folks do not listen until they get burned or lose money, and then they call me looking for empathy and free help. I have no sympathy left after two decades of pulling up the collective industry’s skirt so you could 1) see how it really works, 2) explain it to you in detail so you could follow the blueprint to win, and 3) build your career successfully.
Unfortunately, Educating, Warning, and Informing in this industry doesn’t pay well at all. There is no money in truth, so I’m launching a new blog service effective immediately:
For the low price of $99 (payable via Paypal), I will tell you exactly what you want to hear. Just press send on PayPal for $99 payable to firstname.lastname@example.org and tell me what you want to hear. I will spit it back verbatim AND I will remind you that you are right! You’ll feel so good about yourself that you will be able to continue on your path of taking this industry by storm.
Here’s the fine print: I won’t degrade anyone else in my co-signing of your brilliance and you may not use it for any gain other than you own personal ego. You may not reprint it anywhere, including via film or photographic device. There are no refunds.
There are some extras you can add, if you so desire:
For the incredibly low price of $19.99 each, you can choose from the following options:
1) I’ll use the word “swag” and/or “turnt up”
2) I’ll blame your lack of a record deal or music industry success on the illuminati, ignorance of major labels in signing real talent, and/or the major labels’ cabal that wants to keep people who are [insert your own insecurity here] down.
3) I’ll talk trash about currently successful artists in general
4) I’ll tell you that everyone else is wack, and that YOU are one of the few who has a true understanding of music, a true understanding of the industry, and/or the REAL talent that labels should be signing
5) I’ll tell you that the only reason you aren’t on is because you lack [insert most clueless excuse here]
6) I will tell you that you don’t need any money at all to succeed and that you can get put on by tweeting links to key industry folks and signed artists, and/or you can get signed by mailing out a demo CD to record labels (for $999 I will do so for you using MY return name and address so you have a legitimate cosign)
For an additional $1999, I will listen to you latest song OR watch your most recent video and give you the positive feedback you are looking for.
For an additional $2999, you can come to Atlanta and take me to lunch to discuss your career (lunch is not included).
For an additional $199,999 (The Platinum Package), I will start a record label in your name, and sign you to a record deal for $25,000 and give you 60% of the profits forever. I will even supply you business cards and you can tell the world we are partners. I will already have secured us major distribution by the time you read this.
For $100,000 more (The Platinum Package Addendum):
1) I’ll send you a video of some other industry person who agrees with us that you are the best rapper, DJ, or producer ever. If I can’t find such a video, you’ll get your $100,000 back, most assuredly.
2) I’ll repeat ad nauseum that you’re fighting a terrible cartel that wants to hold you back, and wants to keep your kind of music from the hungry fans (who are dying for exactly what you have); and that no matter what, you should never change your music – just keep fighting the good fight. Telling you that you are the hottest rapper/DJ/producer/promoter/etc ever, is included in the original purchase price.
And lastly, as part of the Platinum Package, I will tell you that you have what it will take to 1) change music, or 2) bring real hip hop back.
Alternatively, if you want me to actually put some thought into taking the other side of your argument, and making you think about if your plan is actually sound, I can do that too, for the low flat fee of $199 per incident.
Bring it on. I’m here for you.
Full disclosure: Seriously, this is not a joke – I stand ready to tell you what you want to hear, if you pay me.