By, Wendy Day
I received an email today from the enterprising “get over” folks at No Substance Promotions, who are eager to help artists achieve a not-neccessarily-earned Gold Record. For a fee, of course.
Since last week, when RIAA announced that 100 streams would be the equivalent of one downloaded single sale for their certification system to achieve Gold and Platinum status (I guess the “get over” companies don’t realize any idiot can have a bootlegged Gold or Platinum plaque made for about $150 and someone willing to get over doesn’t care HOW they get over), all of the sellers of shortcuts and scams have been chomping at the bit to grab your cash for selling streams.
So you no longer have to spend $495,000 to download 500,000 singles to brag about that hot Gold record that you never earned (although purchased through iTunes, half a million singles sold would earn you a check for $346,500, so the real cost to you would only be $148,500–ironically about the same price to actually work a record and build a REAL buzz and start a real career).
According to RIAA, the 100 streams that equal one downloaded single sale, must come from MOG, Muve Music, Rdio, Rhapsody, Slacker, Spotify, Xbox Music (and a few others), or video streams from MTV.com, VEVO, Yahoo! Music and YouTube. Additionally, the stream must actually play for a minimum of 80% of the song or video to be counted, and only streams from the United States count towards certification.
When an enterprising young hustler meets opportunity, a new scam to create a shortcut to fake success is born. For the not-so-low price of $45, you can buy 10,000 US based, 80%-of-the-video streams on your YouTube video. What a deal!
Now, instead of buying your own singles, you can achieve Gold status by buying 50,000,000 YouTube streams (doing the math, that looks like $225,000 at $45 per ten thousand). Can I get a volume discount, please?
Here’s the math:
500,000 streams needed for Gold plaque, multiplied by $45 for each 10,000 streams necessary.
500,000 x 100 = 50,000,000 streams needed
50,000,000 divided by 10,000 = 5,000
5,000 x $45 = $225,000
For the unbelievably low price of $225,000, you can have a Gold Plaque to hang on your wall to remind you every time you look at it, how your clueless and talentless ass had to buy success (again, bootleg plaques are $150, and it’s not like anyone will call RIAA to check if you went Gold or Platinum). You can spam industry folks your links and brag that it is “Gold record” spam. You can blindly send out demos bragging about your Gold single. In fact, you can even leave unreturned calls on voicemails all through the major labels bragging about your hot Gold record!
So all of you bullshitters, scammers, bootleg muthaphukkas, and all around lazy ass losers, you can fake earn yourself a Gold or Platinum record to match your fake gold & cloudy cubic zirconia jewelry and bootlegged Sean Jean gear. You’ll still be seen as a douche bag, but a douchebag with a plaque. Hell, save the hundreds of thousands–just print up that plaque at any trophy shop for $150.
Why do you need a plaque, do you ask? No, no label or legitimate industry person will ever believe your unknown song from a nondescript artist with no buzz, signed to a brand new no-name record label went Gold, let alone Platinum. But it will trick your friends and family into being impressed, and Plaques hanging on the wall are always great props for ripping folks off or fucking over ignorant artists. Besides, other people who care about accolades instead of real success will be envious of you.
Why put in the work when you can try and shortcut it?
I guess you figured out that I typed this article in my sarcasm typeface. Just put in the work and get a real Gold or Platinum record, you fuck up! And as for No Substance Promotions? They’re already seen as a joke in this industry. They have to make money selling the fake shit because no one will hire them to do any real work–they’re inept. This IS the best they can do, so their only option for income is to sell “get over” fake streams. Here’s hoping they make as much as they can now before Twitter, Facebook, YouTube, etc shut down their fake like/friends/views business. We know they’re too stupid to save money, and since they’re built on scams, shortcuts, and fakery, they are not qualified to do anything else. They are a fucking joke. Just ask their 645,894 fake Twitter followers who never interact with them, or their 5,000 Facebook friends with 153 likes, what they think?!